I am composing this blog in hopes it will help someone out there who is "Walking In The Valley Of Grief"
When there is a sudden death in your family it catastrophic. You are shocked, blindsided, unbelieving. You feel as though you have been hit by a train or run over by an 18-wheeler. Your heart cries NO! this can’t be happening to us. Yes I speak from experience as I lost my beautiful daughter of 28 years in a tragic car accident a year ago. I’ll share my story with you later on.
Grieving is a normal human process of dealing with great loss, and although it’s very painful, it’s also healthy and necessary. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving.
Grieving is one of the hardest and the most painful experiences a human can endure. Grieving is the process of emotional and life adjustment you go through after a loss.
It’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, disconnected from others, or like they’re going out of their minds. The pain of grieving can be both emotional and physical, and unfortunately there's no way to avoid it.
Grieving and Healing:
Generally there are 6 Stages to the “Grieving Process”:
Stage 1: Initial Shock
- disbelief
- blindsided
- hit by a train experience
- run over by an 18-wheeler feeling
People in shock need help – family and friends need to rally around them and deal with the practical things like food, flowers, phone calls, visitors, cleaning the house. Each act of kindness is deeply appreciated and needed.
Stage 2: Numbness
- a blessing actually
- one of God’s tender mercies if you may
- the harsh reality is difficult decisions need to be made
- difficult tasks must be completed
Some people may observe and say “She’s holding up well don’t you think?” Episodes of uncontrolled emotions still overtake us and we need to let those tears flow.
Stage 3: Reality vs Fantasy
- you pick the phone up to call them only to realize they are not there
- you drive to their house for visit – only realizing what you’ve done when you are at the door.
- Harsh reality sets in and you weep and mourn your loss
- It takes time to come to terms with your loss
Stage 4: Floodgates Of Grief
- you come across something that belonged to your loved one and a flood of grief washes over you and you burst into tears
- it may be months or years after their death and you thought you were “doing good” – you’ve gone through the initial shock, numbness and reality vs fantasy stages but a series of events cause the reality of your loss to sink in.
- take heart for this is part of the process and you are on the path to healing.
Stage 5: Overwhelming Memories
- sometimes memories are like a knife wound to the heart
- special places they were fond of, special occasions like Christmas they enjoyed so much
- looking through a photo album you find a picture of you and your loved one together and have an overwhelming need to hug them
- their children may resemble them so much it brings back memories and again harsh reality sets in. You think you may go crazy if you can’t talk to them again or give them a hug.
- It is good for you to talk about these memories and remember the good times you had with them.
Stage 6: Recovery
- is there recovery after such a loss?
- You learn to go on – not forget - but live life with the loss
- There is a new “normal” for our lives
- We have hope of seeing them again one day in Heaven
- Let people know they “don’t need to say anything” just be there, give a hug and pray for you
- ONE step at a time, ONE minute at a time, ONE hour at a time, ONE day at a time. It’s all you can do.
- Reach out for help from family and friends. Find good books to read about grieving.
- Get grief counselling – it will help you understand all the stages you go through -. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving
- Pray and trust in God to see you through
When you are in the grief process, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. Don’t allow people to pressure you to move on or make you feel like you’ve been grieving too long. The pain of grieving can be both emotional and physical, and unfortunately there's no way to avoid it.
Grief is a natural response to loss. Grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life.
Grief is as individual as those of us who feel it, and as varied as the circumstances of death which occur.
Grief is an individual process, and the duration of the grieving process can range from months to years, depending on how close you were to your loved one, the circumstances of the loss, your personality, culture and coping style, the nature of the death and many other factors.
Grief bursts can be triggered by certain times of the year such as holidays or the anniversary of the death. It sometimes feels so very overwhelming you don’t know what to do with yourself.
I told one friend I feel like a cat whose is clinging to a screen door with all four paws stretched out and claws digging in – scared to hang on and scared to let go.
Family
Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient.
Experiencing the loss of a sibling is a quite unique, as they share a special bond and a common history from birth. They often complement each other, and share genetic traits. When a child dies in the family, the siblings have memories of the loss, but they also experience the parents' grief and fears.
My daughter told us she felt guilty when she came to visit because she was afraid when we looked at her we would only see what we lost – her sister.
Often you feel you desperately need the grief support from family and friends but actually crave to just be alone. Allow them to give you comfort, even if they say nothing but listen and allow you to vent your overwhelming feelings of grief.
Feelings/ Emotions
Feelings of rage, anger and frustration are not pleasant to observe or listen to; but it is necessary for the bereaved to recognize and work on these feelings in order to work through the grief, rather than become stuck in one phase.
Feelings can be particularly intense at these times; Pray; Go to group counselling; Connect on the Internet. Feelings of despair at the injustice and unfairness of the death of your loved one are often coupled with difficulty in sustaining personal faith in a God who can be viewed as loving.
Sometimes it may feel like the sadness will never let up. While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.
You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness.
Some symptoms of grief can be:
: Intense longing and yearning for the deceased
: Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one.
: Denial of the death or sense of disbelief
: Imagining that your loved one is alive an searching for them in familiar places
: Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one
: Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss
: Feeling that life is empty or meaningless
Support
Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. You may need your friends or family to support you for months or even years. Continue to accept their support over the long haul. Support is more valuable than ever once the funeral is over, the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off. Remember, your grief is genuine and deserving of support.
Depending on who you are and the nature of your loss, your process of grieving will be different from another person's experience. Good self-care, social support, and the passage of time are usually the best medicine for grieving.
The grieving process gives us time to reflect and find new strength that enables us to continue life's journey and regain peace-of-mind.
I encourage you to seek for help with your grieving process. Whether it is talking to a family member or friend or seeking professional help you need support.
Join support groups, go online and search for help, and read some books on grief. They do help. I find keeping a journal helps me to express my exposition of feelings.
Remember ONE step at a time, ONE minute at a time, ONE hour at a time, ONE day at a time. It’s all you can handle
I’ll be back to share with you my story of the Walk Down Grief Valley
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