Why Me Lord??

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People who suffer loss of a loved one feel unspeakable pain. I know I felt on the verge of insanity.

Sudden and tragic loss leads to terrible darkness that seems inescapable.

Every day we hear about someone who is suffering the loss of a loved one. Until we have experienced it ourselves we do not listen intently with our hearts.

Because of what I have suffered I am now more sensitive to the pain others are suffering. I’m not as selfish as I used to be.

I’ve come to the realization the God I serve has suffered unbearable pain and loss and therefore understands my pain.

I devour the Word Of God so I can gain strength to endure my suffering .

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. Psalm 147:3


Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. Deuteronomy 31:6


Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1


When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. Isaiah 43:2


He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Isaiah 40:29

WHY ME LORD?? What have I done wrong? Isn’t that what we ask when something goes wrong in our lives? Think about it for a minute. Why someone else? Why not me? Who am I to think tragedy can only happen to other families but not mine. Aren’t they just as important as I?

Someone asked Talitha if she believed Mitchell and I were paying penance for something we’ve done wrong. God is punishing us so he took our daughter.

Talitha was quick to say “ABSOLUTELY NOT!! Jesus died on the cross for all sins and we do not pay penance, for God paid the penalty for everyone. Talitha further explained that as hard as it is to understand – that is just the course of life’s cycle. We are born, we live, we die, our spirit goes back to our maker. Tabatha's accident was just that - an accident. No matter how old a loved one is when they die it seems too soon for those of us who are left behind to deal with the loss.

I’ve come across a song sung by Guy Penrod that has helped me and I would like to share it with you.

Knowing What I Know About Heaven
(click the back button top left hand corner when song ends to bring you back here)

I now live for today. I ask God each morning what I can do to touch another heart. How can I help ease someone else’s pain and suffering? Who needs a smile today, who needs a kind word, who needs to know they are someone special? Please Lord help me be a vessel that pours out your love to each one I meet. Before today ends help me tell someone about your wonderful love and grace.

That is how Tabatha Alice Kitchen lived her life and I want to do the same.

Our grief and sorrow bring to light the importance of living today to it’s fullest. Never let the sun go down on your wrath. It just isn’t worth it – be humble and forgive as Christ has forgiven us.

Tabatha was a peacemaker, a gentle spirit, a very forgiving soul and she loved deeply. If you were fortunate enough to have been Tabatha’s family or friend you were loved by the best. If Tab was hurt by someone she would automatically forgive them and do everything in her power to mend the wound, and make things right.

Sister & Best Friends

The world is a sadder place without Tabatha. Thankfully I have another daughter who lives by the same rules. Talitha also is a peacemaker, a gentle spirit, a very forgiving soul and she does love deeply. Talitha’s spirit has been crushed. She is suffering unbearable pain: Tabatha was in Talitha’s opinion the best sister a person could ask for. They were thicker than fleas those two. Not only were they sisters but they were also best friends. Talitha’s day always started by first making a pot of coffee (I think the stuff stinks myself) then she would call Tabatha. They would talk for an hour or two. If I wasn’t working they’d call and link me in to their conversation. I just loved that my daughters wanted me to be a part of their friendship. Once they stopped talking Talitha would go to the mail and would you believe went to visit Tabatha. (You’d think they’d be talked out) NOT! Everyday, over and over. Of course a lot of days they would get in the van and head to Calais for a shopping spree. Those two could sniff out a sale no matter where it was. Tabatha’s death was a crushing blow to Talitha. Not only did she lose her sister but also her best friend. It was like losing two people. My heart breaks for her and I wish I could bring Tab back until I think of the song “Knowing what I know about Heaven”. Talitha carries a heavy burden and her heart is broken but she reaches out to comfort Mitch and me. She worries about how we are doing. She checks on Billy to make sure he is doing alright. Anything he needs, she is right there for him. I’m so proud of her. It’s that caring spirit she has; that gentle spirit; her love that is drilled deep.

Love deeply friends. Forgive easily. Make sure to hug your loved ones today. Tell them how much you love them. Make sure they know how special they are to you. It will mean the world to them if any thing should happen to you. As Talitha said it is life’s cycle: we are born, we live and unfortunately we die .

Think of this; when we are saying goodbye down here, Jesus and the angels and saying welcome home in Heaven. Our loved ones are not dead but are alive and well living with Jesus in Heaven for all of eternity. Someday we’ll see them again and there will be a great reunion day.

I wrote a poem a few months after Tabatha’s accident that I would like to share with you:

Trusting When It Hurts

In You Oh God I Put My Trust

Though My Life In Utter Caous Is Thrust

With A Broken Heart I Call On Your Name

Please Give Me Strength And Keep Me Sane

When I Don’t Feel You God And Can’t Understand

I’ll trust In You – Please Hold My Hand

When I’m Sad And Lonely And My Heart Breaks In Two

I have The Promise That You’ll See Me Through

You Have Been Faithful Down Through The Years

I Choose To Trust You With My Fears

I Give You My Heartache, My Troubles, My Pain

I Ask For Your Strength In Jesus Name

I Trust You God When It Seems You’re Not There

When I Walk Through The Valley And I’m Burdened With Cares

For I Know Whom I Serve, Your Promises Are True

You’ll Carry Me When I Can’t Walk, Your Love Will See Me Though

You Blessed Our Lives With An Angel On Loan

She Brought Joy To Our Hearts – Now You’ve Called Her Home

Though Our Hearts Are Torn As We Say Goodbye

We Know Reunion Day Will Be Soon - In Heaven On High

See You Soon My Beautiful Angel

Love Mom

September 30/2009

I will be back sometime this week to share with you more of my story of “My Walk Down Grief Valley” I’ll share with you what happened in the days after the accident.

I would like to leave you with a few scriptures to encourage your heart:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8, 9

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Our soul waiteth for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20

Remember dear friends if you are suffering with grief you may feel God has forsaken you. You may pray and read His word and wonder why you don’t feel His presence. I know I often ask God: could you please come down and wrap me in your arms of love and comfort me. Ease this pain, give me peace, stop this hurting? Although I sometimes can’t feel His presence I know He is there for He promised He would never leave nor forsake me.

God loves you and wants to bring you comfort. Allow Him to do that by reading His word and having daily communion with Him.

Until the next post – take care of yourself, love yourself, get help, reach out to family and friends. They want to be there for you.

P.S.  ONE step at a time, ONE day at a time, ONE hour at a time, ONE minute at a time - it's all you can handle

My Story About My Walk Down "Grief Valley

Tabatha University Grad Picture

 As promised I am back to relate my story: 

Where does one begin when telegraphing the emotional journey of the loss of someone you love dearly?


Tabatha was an Angel sent from God to bless our lives. She arrived August 28/1980 and was the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. (Besides Taltiha of course) She was such a good baby with a sweet disposition. As Tabatha grew we discovered her vivid imagination and her creative mind.

I recall sitting on the steps listening to her play with her dolls one day. You would have thought there was a room full of people in her bedroom. Tabatha was the Teacher and she had all her dolls lined up in rows with paper and pencil in front of them. She taught her students and asked them questions to see if they were listening. Each doll had a different voice when they answered the questions. It was absolutely hilarious to listen to her in there playing by herself. Talitha was not a doll kind of girl. No she was outside climbing trees, putting worms in her pocket and chasing the other kids with snakes! Isn’t it amazing how God creates two children in the same family and they are totally opposite in their characters. The Bible does say we are fearfully and wonderfully made. I thank God for these two Angels He sent to bless our lives.

Tabatha was very creative and from a very young age she began to fashion items to decorate her room with. She was 6 years old when she designed herself a new doll. She used paper towels for the body, arms, legs and head. She formed the paper towels into the shapes of legs etc then stuffed them with toilet tissue. Tab used straight pins to hold the paper towels in their shapes. She then pinned the body and extremities together – no wonder I was getting low on my straight pins! Tab used felt to cut out eyes, nose, mouth and buttons for her doll. She used straight pins to hold these items in place. Yarn was used for her new friend’s hair and would you believe she used straight pins to hold the hair in place. Markers were used to draw the designs on the doll’s clothes. The doll was adorable even if it was a little prickly. I was amazed that a 6 year old could create a project like this all by herself. I’m happy to say the Faith is as creative as her Mommy.

Tabatha and Talitha were inseparable. They have been very close since they were little girls. Different as night and day but stuck together like glue. My girls – they were my world. I loved to watch them run and play. It was exciting to watch as these two little girls grew into amazing, brilliant and loving adults. I am so proud of them both.

So back to my story:

July 22/2009 Tabatha and Billy were celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary. Tab made the cutest cakes for the occasion. One was a wedding dress, one a tux and the other a ring box complete with a ring. They were adorable. On the back of the black Tux cake Tab had teasingly wrote RIP. (little did she know what tomorrow would bring) Billy had to work that day so they planned to go away for the weekend to celebrate. They were so excited and happy. Mitch and I stayed to visit a while then went back to the camp.

Tab called me in the evening to ask if I would go to Calais with her the following day to get school supplies for Faith. We just couldn’t believe Faith was going to PreK already. Tabatha was a shopper and if there were any deals she would find them. I always enjoyed shopping with her and Talitha. They always “kept me in line” about the clothes I could buy. They didn’t want me looking like an old lady! They told me I had to dress in style.  Talitha is still keeping me in style - Tab would be proud of her.

Thursday July 23/2009 Tabatha called to tell me Talitha was going to Andrea’s to get her hair done so it would only be her and I and my three beautiful Grandchildren. We would have a great day shopping. Tab then asked me if I wanted to come to McAdam and leave from there to go to Calais. (You have no idea how much I wish I had driven to McAdam that fateful morning.) I suggested that she come down to the camp and leave from there. We talked for a bit, laughed a little and said I love you before hanging up. It is just a family thing; we always give a hug and say I love you before leaving each other. Do you know how thankful I am that we did this?

I got dressed and sat in my rocking chair reading the Bible while waiting for Tab to arrive. Mitch was relaxing and watching a movie. I waited, and waited, and waited. I called her house – no answer. I called her cell – no answer! I called her cell again, and again and again. I told Mitch, "I can’t imagine what is keeping Tabatha – she should have been here an hour ago."

The phone rang and I thought it was Tab telling me where she was but it was Pete calling for Mitch. Mitchell turned pale and said we are on our way. My heart was pounding and I was scared to death – I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what. I don’t have it in me to talk about the accident scene but I will tell you my precious, beautiful, brilliant, creative Angel was called HOME.

How do I write what I felt that day? My heart was bombarded with a mix of emotions. Terror, shock, sadness, disbelief, anger toward God – where was He? Where was Tab’s Guardian Angels? Then I saw my Grandchildren and thanked God for His protecting hand upon them. The children were hurt and the ambulance crew was tending to them. Faith was in shock and banged up. Gracie had a broken leg and Owen had skull fractures. My heart was torn apart, I felt that I was going to faint. Mitch had to drive the Ambulance to the hospital and leave Tab. How does a father do that? Mitch said he thanked God that Tabatha was safe in the arms of Jesus and his Grandchildren where safe with him.

Pete and I had the task of driving to Andrea’s hair shop to tell Talitha about the accident. For the second time that day was heart was shattered; I moaned from deep within my soul; as I watch my precious daughter, Talitha learn the news that her sister, her best friend was gone. I wrapped her in my arms and rocked her as she screamed and sobbed.

I wrote a poem that somewhat describes how I've been feeling for the last year:

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD

Thundering, Turbulent Waters

Crash Mightily Upon Me

Driving Me Beneath Its Depths

Suffocating From Me – My Life

Frantically I Pound The Waters

Flouncing To Keep Above Surface

Panic Overtakes Me – Snatching My Reasoning

Immobilizing My Body – Stealing My Sanity

If I Would But Calm Myself And Rest

Take Deep Breaths – Tread The Waters

Relax – Float Back Toward The Shoreline

Safety Would Soon Befriend Me

Oh God What Are You Teaching Me?

When The Troubles Of Life Consume Me

When Turbulent Waters Surround Me

You Whisper, “Be Still And Know That I Am God”

When I Feel As Though I’m Drowning

Or I’m Up Against A Brick Wall

When My Feet Burn In The Dessert

Exhaustion Over Takes Me And I Fall

Your Word Says – Take My Hand And Trust Me

I’ll Guide You Through The Storms

The Waters Shall Not Overflow Thee

In The Fire You Shall Not Be Burned

When I Feel My Friends Have All Left Me

And I Walk In The Valley Alone

If I But Lift My Eyes Toward Heaven

You Breathe In My Life A New Song

Your Gentle Voice Does Murmur

You’ll Never Be Alone

I’ll Not Leave Nor Forsake You

For I Have Made You My Own

Your Gentle Rebuke Reminds Me

Not To Fear For You Are There

To Strengthen And Uphold Me

When The Troubles Of Life Do Flare

Quietly, You Admonish Me

To Surrender My All To You

And Bask In Peaceful Tranquility

Trusting You, God - Will See Me Through

I need to go now as tearing are flowing down my face and I can’t see the screen. I will be back to tell you more of my story about “My Walk Down Grief Valley”

If I could give you any advise before leaving today I would tell you to hug your loved ones and tell them how much you love them. Tell them how special they are – pick one of their accomplishments and tell them how proud you are of them for achieving this.

Until the next post think on this Scriptures:

"Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."     Isaiah 41:10

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."   Revelation 21:4

When Grief Knocks On Your Door

I am composing this blog in hopes it will help someone out there who is "Walking In The Valley Of Grief"

When there is a sudden death in your family it catastrophic. You are shocked, blindsided, unbelieving. You feel as though you have been hit by a train or run over by an 18-wheeler. Your heart cries NO! this can’t be happening to us. Yes I speak from experience as I lost my beautiful daughter of 28 years in a tragic car accident a year ago. I’ll share my story with you later on.

Grieving is a normal human process of dealing with great loss, and although it’s very painful, it’s also healthy and necessary. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving.

Grieving is one of the hardest and the most painful experiences a human can endure. Grieving is the process of emotional and life adjustment you go through after a loss.

It’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, disconnected from others, or like they’re going out of their minds. The pain of grieving can be both emotional and physical, and unfortunately there's no way to avoid it.


Grieving and Healing:


Generally there are 6 Stages to the “Grieving Process”:


Stage 1: Initial Shock


- disbelief

- blindsided

- hit by a train experience

- run over by an 18-wheeler feeling


People in shock need help – family and friends need to rally around them and deal with the practical things like food, flowers, phone calls, visitors, cleaning the house. Each act of kindness is deeply appreciated and needed.



Stage 2: Numbness


- a blessing actually

- one of God’s tender mercies if you may

- the harsh reality is difficult decisions need to be made

- difficult tasks must be completed


Some people may observe and say “She’s holding up well don’t you think?” Episodes of uncontrolled emotions still overtake us and we need to let those tears flow.

Stage 3: Reality vs Fantasy


- you pick the phone up to call them only to realize they are not there

- you drive to their house for visit – only realizing what you’ve done when you are at the door.

- Harsh reality sets in and you weep and mourn your loss

- It takes time to come to terms with your loss



Stage 4: Floodgates Of Grief


- you come across something that belonged to your loved one and a flood of grief washes over you and you burst into tears

- it may be months or years after their death and you thought you were “doing good” – you’ve gone through the initial shock, numbness and reality vs fantasy stages but a series of events cause the reality of your loss to sink in.

- take heart for this is part of the process and you are on the path to healing.



Stage 5: Overwhelming Memories


- sometimes memories are like a knife wound to the heart

- special places they were fond of, special occasions like Christmas they enjoyed so much

- looking through a photo album you find a picture of you and your loved one together and have an overwhelming need to hug them

- their children may resemble them so much it brings back memories and again harsh reality sets in. You think you may go crazy if you can’t talk to them again or give them a hug.

- It is good for you to talk about these memories and remember the good times you had with them.



Stage 6: Recovery


- is there recovery after such a loss?

- You learn to go on – not forget - but live life with the loss

- There is a new “normal” for our lives

- We have hope of seeing them again one day in Heaven

- Let people know they “don’t need to say anything” just be there, give a hug and pray for you

- ONE step at a time, ONE minute at a time, ONE hour at a time, ONE day at a time. It’s all you can do.

- Reach out for help from family and friends. Find good books to read about grieving.

- Get grief counselling – it will help you understand all the stages you go through -. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving

- Pray and trust in God to see you through


When you are in the grief process, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. Don’t allow people to pressure you to move on or make you feel like you’ve been grieving too long. The pain of grieving can be both emotional and physical, and unfortunately there's no way to avoid it.


Grief is a natural response to loss. Grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life.

Grief is as individual as those of us who feel it, and as varied as the circumstances of death which occur.

Grief is an individual process, and the duration of the grieving process can range from months to years, depending on how close you were to your loved one, the circumstances of the loss, your personality, culture and coping style, the nature of the death and many other factors.

Grief bursts can be triggered by certain times of the year such as holidays or the anniversary of the death. It sometimes feels so very overwhelming you don’t know what to do with yourself.


I told one friend I feel like a cat whose is clinging to a screen door with all four paws stretched out and claws digging in – scared to hang on and scared to let go.


Family


Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient.

Experiencing the loss of a sibling is a quite unique, as they share a special bond and a common history from birth. They often complement each other, and share genetic traits. When a child dies in the family, the siblings have memories of the loss, but they also experience the parents' grief and fears.

My daughter told us she felt guilty when she came to visit because she was afraid when we looked at her we would only see what we lost – her sister.

Often you feel you desperately need the grief support from family and friends but actually crave to just be alone. Allow them to give you comfort, even if they say nothing but listen and allow you to vent your overwhelming feelings of grief.

Feelings/ Emotions


Feelings of rage, anger and frustration are not pleasant to observe or listen to; but it is necessary for the bereaved to recognize and work on these feelings in order to work through the grief, rather than become stuck in one phase.

Feelings can be particularly intense at these times; Pray; Go to group counselling; Connect on the Internet. Feelings of despair at the injustice and unfairness of the death of your loved one are often coupled with difficulty in sustaining personal faith in a God who can be viewed as loving.

Sometimes it may feel like the sadness will never let up. While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.

You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness.


Some symptoms of grief can be:


: Intense longing and yearning for the deceased

: Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one.

: Denial of the death or sense of disbelief

: Imagining that your loved one is alive an searching for them in familiar places

: Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one

: Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss

: Feeling that life is empty or meaningless



Support

Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. You may need your friends or family to support you for months or even years. Continue to accept their support over the long haul. Support is more valuable than ever once the funeral is over, the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off. Remember, your grief is genuine and deserving of support.

Depending on who you are and the nature of your loss, your process of grieving will be different from another person's experience. Good self-care, social support, and the passage of time are usually the best medicine for grieving.

The grieving process gives us time to reflect and find new strength that enables us to continue life's journey and regain peace-of-mind.

I encourage you to seek for help with your grieving process. Whether it is talking to a family member or friend or seeking professional help you need support.

Join support groups, go online and search for help, and read some books on grief. They do help. I find keeping a journal helps me to express my exposition of feelings.


Remember ONE step at a time, ONE minute at a time, ONE hour at a time, ONE day at a time. It’s all you can handle

I’ll be back to share with you my story of the Walk Down Grief Valley